Black people call it a halfway house, white people call it a “supportive sober living community,” and rich white people whose kids live in Brooklyn or San Francisco call it a “Co-op.” Regardless of the euphemism you prefer, I suggest you brush up on The Rules before checking yourself in.
In no particular order:
1.) Snacks must be placed in the snack drawer. Snacks found hidden in your room will result in (-1) brownie point.
2.) No sneaking past office on way in. Failure to use sign-in sheet will result in (-1) brownie point.
3.) No spending laundry quarters given out by staff on soda machine.
4.) No complaining about The Rules
5.) Make bed by 7 a.m. (lumpy or uneven sheets will result in consequences)
6.) No napping unless prescribed by your physician
7.) No “spending time” with the females
8.) Residents are entitled to a maximum of one (1) treat per day. Attempts to steal and/or barter/exchange other items to obtain extra treats will result in consequences.
9.) Screenings of “Walk The Line,” a film about Johnny Cash’s recovery are allowed, however, screenings of “Ray,” a film about Ray Charles are forbidden.
10.) Always pretend not to know everyone else who is at the Library Facebooking when they’re supposed to be out looking for work.
11.) Tums and ibuprofin must be prescribed by a physician. Self administering Tums will result in heartburn relief as well as House consequences.
12.) No writing satirical blog entries about The Rules
13.) Always keep bathroom window open, especially on Sundays, when The House serves eggs for breakfast.
14.) Acknowledging each other outside The House is limited to a Fight Club-like nod; high fives, fist bumps, and assorted secret handshakes are forbidden.
15.) If you’re going to attempt any other sneaky-ass-bullshit, refrain from getting caught. We don’t want the community to suspect that we’re a bunch of recovering alcoholics and addicts.